Lucky Thirteen and Counting

I am in the market for some upgrades.

-I am finally ready to get the new boobs I have had my eyes on for a few years now.

-I want to get my butt lifted back up to where it belongs.

-I want my crotch cinched up a bit so you can't tell where Shaylee grabbed the inside of my vagina and hung on while she entered the world. 

-a tummy tuck would be fabulous.

-I am also looking at the brazilian butt augmentation in the process.  They will suck the fat out of the rolls on my belly and stick the fat in my fanny.   …two birds with one stone in my opinion.  No more fat rolls and little junk in the trunk making my entire body more pleasing to the eye.  

Sounds good right?

Here are my issues-

I am a wuss when it comes to surgery.  I hate going under the knife, I am always sure I will never wake up, I always puke my guts out when I do, and finally, the guilt of having to be taken care of…. SUCKS!  

Pain pills and Sandi DO NOT MIX!  For as long as I can remember I have had "ALLERGIC TO DEMEROL" stamped on top of all my medical charts. When I was a young one, I had major surgery to correct an inward rotation of my legs.  (pigeon toed, but the entire leg.) When I was in the hospital, they were pumping me so full of demerol that I took a MAJOR TRIP and still have VIVID memories of that week.  

There was a camel in my hospital room.  

My brothers were in the glass IV bottle.  They would knock and wave and float around in the saline on air mattresses. They were having much more fun than I.  

I was 100% positive I was Mary, from the nursery rhyme "Mary Had A Little Lamb."  I didn't have a lamb in the room, I had a camel, but I was laying on a lambskin pad to prevent bedsores.   That could make sense.    

Flash forward to 2005 when I got breast implants.  The pain pills I was popping had the exact same effect as the demerol.  My ironing board came to life.  It was like something you would see in Beauty and the Beast.  My closet door had to be shut the entire day or the ironing board would walk out and talk to me.   I had a pet goldfish. (her name happened to be Dorothy. She was visiting from Elmo's World.)   I saw spiders, most of them talked.  I couldn't remember my kids' names.  I thought Shaylee was my sister. I thought I owned a beauty supply store….  I was a head case.  My older children loved every minute of it and would come in to sit with me in hopes of hearing or seeing something off the wall.  Sadly, they were rarely disappointed, and to this day, they love to talk about the time that mom got new boobs….

Side note to this post- Hunter has the exact same problem and without spilling all his private stuff on the internet, he was hallucinating like a crazy person after one Tylenol Codine.  FRIGHTENING!  

If I can toughen up and stop being such a pansy, there are indeed some pros to this cosmetic surgery.

For example-

I had this awful vein in my leg for 14 years.  Last July, I finally felt brave enough to get it fixed.  EVERYDAY I wonder why in the hell I waited so long to fix that ugly thing.  I dealt with YEARS of self consciousness at the beach.  I never wore cute skirts or shorts because who wants to look at purple bulging vein?  I hated that thing!   I wish I had been brave enough to do something about it years ago because at thirty eight, do I have any business wearing cute mini skirts?  Yeah, I didn't think so.

You have heard me say similar things about my teeth.  I love my smile now, I don't cringe at every picture I see of myself anymore.  I am happy to give a cheesy grin whenever you want me to.  I should have fixed my teeth at 25. 

The other thing I have always hated and been so self conscious about is my skin.  If I could have asked for anything, it would have been a clear complexion. I tried everything under the sun, both prescription and over the counter, my entire life and NOTHING WORKED.  I used to fantasize about a skin transplant.  I figured in the end if you are blessed with a "skinny gene" and a high metabolism, God has to curse you with something else, and for me, it was ZITS and the LOVE to pick them.   I think my skin may have looked tons better if I could have just left it the hell alone, but picking was a part of my day. I'd wash my face and plant my butt in front of a 5X magnifiying mirror and proceed to pick anything and everything I could see until I would bleed.  That was my routine.  But not anymore!!

For thirteen weeks I have been taking Accutane.  This is much like the vein in my leg…. WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T I DO THIS 20 YEARS AGO???  WHY?  My skin is now lovely.  I haven't had a ZIT to pick for 10 weeks.  I wash my face and go to bed.  I don't have to touch up every picture that is on the camera.  I don't have to cover up with makeup.  I don't even have to wear makeup if I don't want to.  A little sunscreen is all.   I am over the moon with the results!  Why did I waste so many years of my life looking like a monster when I could have done this years ago and been happy with my skin?  

I think that is where I am right now. Wondering why I didn't do this stuff sooner and since I still have things that I am not happy about, I want to fix them. The things that I have fixed in the past have turned out better than I expected. So I want to fix everything.  My initial list is long and extravagant and expensive and if it didn't require multiple BIG SCARY SCARS, and wasn't soooo invasive, and came for free, I might consider doing everything.  

The butt stuff, I think I can accomplish with a little exercise.   That same exercise might diminish the fat rolls hanging over my waist band.  Wish me luck.  You all know how good I am at working out.

BUT my privates, all of them, do need help.  And no amount of squeezing, tightening, running, or relaxing can do a damn thing about any of them.

Tomorrow I am visiting this office for a crotch consult. The very second I have disposable income, I am going to have my girly bits returned back to a pre-vaginal-delivery state.  The moment I heel from that little procedure, I am going to move up to my chest because I HAVE to get rid of these bags of water under my skin.  I am thanking the good Lord above for the invention of silicone. I can't wait to have squishy boobs instead of crinkly ones.

I will keep you all posted as I try and age gracefully.  

PS- I just had Brandon read through this post and asked, "will people flip their lids at this?"  

To which he replied, "Oh yeah."

According to Brandon, my critics are going to flip for one of the following reasons. 1) I am setting a bad example for my children. 2) They will be jealous. 3) any person that doesn't agree with cosmetic surgery will have a problem with this entire post. and finally 4) I attract my share of crazy readers that always look at the most negative side of anything I write and jump my shit whenever they can.  

I am geared up and ready.

I'm sure one of you may even decide that I am doing this entirely for the hallucinogenics…  I'll be honest, after the last few weeks, I won't argue too harshly with you.  I am ready for a trip….  and how nice will it be to wake up with a brand new vagina?   YAY ME!